Intrusive Thoughts
The only thoughts that should matter to you are your own. It doesn’t matter what others think. Even more importantly, it doesn’t matter what you think other people think.
by Cher Petersen
It seems like mental health has taken a front seat for a change. Many workspaces, friend groups and families are taking it more seriously than before. Even so, no matter how seriously others take mental health, we don’t consider the sneak attacks our own past traumas (unhealed wounds and unprocessed scars) may prompt when least expected.
Introducing: intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are described as thoughts that enter your consciousness without warning (positivepsychology.com). The contents of the thoughts are often alarming. For some people, these thoughts get “stuck” or “play on repeat” and cause great distress.
Between the four walls of our physical existence, the only thing we truly have is our mind and, therefore, our thoughts. The more we try to ignore our thoughts, the more they seem to pop up.
I have spent lots of time attempting to process my inner turmoil. Still, it seems like much of the work done while in lockdown isolation is being tested in these 2023 streets.
I recently discovered that I suffer from a thing called psychosis.
Psychosis is when one perceives or interprets reality differently from those around them (Mind.org.uk). In my case, it often relates to my transgender identity. My own thoughts often take me down a dark hole where my brain twists every stream of conversation around me into a barrage of hatred for people of trans experience. These thoughts often lend themselves to the narrative that the people I thought I could trust are harbouring feelings of hatred and transphobia so severe that they’re all somehow conspiring to have me exposed as a fraud and an abomination of nature. It sounds bad. Trust me, it feels worse.
Imagine looking into the faces of people you love and seeing them as the villains your mind has turned them into. Imagine explaining what you’re experiencing and being ushered to a quiet corner; but, instead of seeing it as care, your mind makes you think you’re being sent to the corner to be ridiculed and put on display. These episodes often result in nights without sleep filled with a continued stream of intrusive thoughts and hallucinations.
Over the years, I have dealt with and mitigated the intrusive thoughts affiliated with my unique brand of psychosis. But now I am at a loss because the thoughts I had worked hard to overcome are back. Why? Am I thinking too deeply about the thoughts of those around me, internalising them? Are people really saying things, or is my brain making it up? Although I have done the work and made progress within myself, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns, especially in one’s mind.
I often wonder if we are fully responsible for our intrusive thoughts or if our negative experiences with others have left marks on us forever. Perhaps our intrusive thoughts are simply preemptions of those marks.
Think about your own life. What are your intrusive thought patterns? There is no reason for you to continue having them, yet you often do. As you read this, think about the particular experiences that have shaped your brain’s reaction to particular situations.
The only thoughts that should matter to you are your own. It doesn’t matter what others think. Even more importantly, it doesn’t matter what you think other people think.
Let’s throw out those vile intrusive thoughts and work towards a clear state of mind together.